


Anniversary

by inspirkational



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek AOS, Star Trek Academy - Fandom
Genre: Eating Disorders, M/M, PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-07
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2020-08-11 14:15:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20154949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inspirkational/pseuds/inspirkational
Summary: Jim is at the Academy wrestling with an eating disorder, and his own memories. Luckily, his friends and teachers are there to support him.





	1. When Jim Hides Food

About halfway through his second year at the academy was when Jim was at his worst. McCoy could tell, too. Jim would do this thing where, when he was getting really anxious, he would snap his fingers next to his ear, like he was making sure he could still hear. 

One day, Jim went off to his History and Ethics of the Federation course and Bones’s shift had been canceled. He noticed that one of his own books was poking out of Jim’s desk drawer-again. He reached into the drawer and grabbed it but he felt something secured to the top of the inside of the drawer.  
Bones dropped the book on the ground and explored it blindly. They were nutrition pucks. It took a bit of strength to yank one out and confirm it with his eyes. Yeah, Jim really did hide n-pucks in his desk. It made him a little queasy, and he realized he and Jim would need to talk about it the next time they spoke. 

Jim got home late that night. He was looking pale and tired. Bones was studying for an exam in ‘advanced survey of virology’ . 

“Jim, listen.”

“I know, I know I stole your med term dictionary again, I’m sorry I was using it for a fake mission report of a mission with loads of casualties for my command class.” Jim made his ways towards his desk. “It’s just in here, I’ll get it.”

“I got it.”

“What?” 

“I Saw it poking out so I grabbed it.”

“Oh. Okay. So why are you acting weird?”

“Look, I don’t want to pry, you know that’s the last thing I want to do, but we’ve been living together for 18 months and I trust you and I hope you trust me too. 

“Jesus bones you make it sound like you’re about to propose or something

“I found some n-pucks hidden in your desk.”

“Oh ...so?” Jim looked like he was doing his best to look as casual as possible. He was failing. 

“I just- I guess I thought it was strange that they were hidden. You didn’t think I’d take your food without asking, did you?

“Nah. course not. I don’t know. I don’t think it’s that weird. Plenty of people keep n-pucks around. Just in case. Y know?

“I mean, we’re at starfleet academy. They have buildings full of those suckers. 

“Whatever. It just soothes my soul or whatever, okay? 

“Okay. If you don’t want to talk it’s fine. Just, know im here.”

“I know you’re there bones.” He said, not without some irritation.

Jim knew bones wouldn’t be back from MedBay for another hour or so, and he’d just eaten more than he meant to for dinner. 

He used a pen to purge his stomach, but the bathroom reeked of bile, so he jumped in shower, set it to water, and used the strongest smelling shampoo he’d ever bought. He hadn’t used it since buying because it made Jim’s date nearly cough up a lung that night. 

“Aw shit” he heard from the apartment’s living space. “Jim you used that goddamned bleach-soap again!” 

“Sorry bones! Didn’t realize!” Jim shouted from the shower. When he walked out, clad in just a towel he said “My bad, picked up the wrong one, and it was already too late when I smelled it.

“You smell like the inside of a newly cleaned jeffries tube.” Jim laughed heartily, flinging his shoulders back like he did when it was real. 

“Hey, you look like you’re sick or something. Are you okay?” If her was being honest, Bones was thinking Jim looked way too fucking skinny. Jim was pretty well muscled from a combat course he was in, so the lack of body fat was even more glaring. 

“I’m good. He said. Maybe a little under the weather or something, but nothing I can’t muscle through for a couple days. 

This was how it went. For a long time. Jim would spend days fine, and then the next week he’d puke up nearly everything he ate without bones noticing a thing. The worst, though, when it wall came to a head, was the week of the Tarsus anniversary. 

Jim had been losing weight a while now and bones didn't like it one bit, but he wasn’t going to say something to his roommate about his weight. Even as a doctor, saying something like that outside of an exam room felt predatory. 

Bones went to see Pike in his office on Monday.  
“Look I don’t want to pry, I feel like I’ve said it about a thousand times, but I’m worried about him. 

“Why” Pike asked, 

“Well some of it is personal shit. So I won't go into details, but he’s… been reckless lately. He goes to sleep later than me, he wakes up earlier, and he’s been ignoring his classwork.

“Really? His professors this semester seem impressed with his performance. 

“Is he topping any of his classes?

“...no, I suppose not.”

“Well that’s because he doesn’t do any studying until hes on his fucking walk to class. And he. Well. This will sound strange, and it might sound judgemental. 

“Hit me.”

“He’s lost weight. Kind of a lot of weight. His face looks different kind of weight, you know. 

“That. Isn’t good.” Pike looked worried. More to the point he looked like he knew something. “Jim is easy to spook, and I'm concerned based on what you're telling me. I’m going to order full physicals for all of my advisees. One cadet was recently caught on steroids so it won’t seem too terribly out of the ordinary. 

“Okay.” Said bones, relaxing more now that he knew that he wasn't the only one seeing the changes in Jim. 

“Look, Dr. McCoy. I’m not going to spill Kirk’s fille out to you, but I think you should know that this week might be pretty difficult for him. You might want to keep a closer eye on him, and contact me if anything too concerning occurs. Okay?”

“Yeah sure.” Said Bones. Somehow, that relief had gone away again. 

“I’m going to make a couple of his professors aware that they should keep an eye out, and tell me if he starts missing classes.

“Okay.”


	2. When Jim Goes to Class Part 1

Jim was a little bit dizzy walking to his ethics course that morning, so he pulled out an n-puck from the hidden part of his backpack, and nibbled on it just enough to stop the vertigo so that he’d have it later if he needed it. 

I had been a while since he’d eathen though and the piece of the puck hed eaten felt heavy in his stomach and made him queasy. He swallowed it down, though, knowing that he couldn’t pass out in professor spock’s class. 

He took his newly usual place in the left column of seats, right in the middle. He used to sit in the front of the class, but a few weeks ago he’d started feeling Spock’s eyes on him. They were good eyes, for sure. The kind of brown you could lose yourself in. But they were perceptive too, and once jim thought they might be concerned. So, he moved. 

The lecture ended without Jim hearnign a word. His head was swimming in brown eyes and n-pucks and fuck he was hungry. One part of him was thinking Good. and the other part was thinking oh shit. 

“Mr. Kirk, I require verbal confirmation.”

“Sorry?” Said Jim, horrified. 

“I would appreciate it if you would remain for a word with me after class.”

“Of course, Professor.” While the rest of the clas left, he walked down to the professor’s perch next to the enormous desk they'd given him. 

“Mr. Kik, It is nice to see that you are still in my course. 

“Sorry. I just don't like sitting up front too much. 

“No apologies are necessary, in fact I was referring to your recent withdrawal from class discussion. I found your perspective a unique and constructive contribution to class. I wish you would speak more. 

“Oh. Okay. Is that all?”

“No. The reason I wanted to chat is that I graded the most recent take home exam. 

“Oh. Did I do that poorly?”

“No. In fact, you received an A. But I felt that it was not your best work, so I viewed the document history on the file. 

“Oh. 

“You only spent only 58 minutes on one of the larger assignments for this course. 

“Sorry. 

“Mr. Kirk, I don’t want an apology. Do you know what time the average student spend on the assignment?

…

“The average was 8-10 hours, Cadet. The average grade was a C-. 

“Okay. I don’t mean to sound rude, but why am I here, Professor. I finished the work. I did it well. It just didn’t take me that long.

“Because I have never seen a student so well-fitted for command, and simultaneously so unwilling to put in the effort necessary to achieve it. Do you think that Starfleet wants Captains who don’t put in their best effort. 

“I-”

“Consider whether you are doing this same quality of work in your other classes, and what those professors will say when asked if you should be recommended for command track. 

“I’m sorry.” Kirk said. And he meant it that time. 

“In the Vulcan science academy, the faculty student relationship is different. Each student has a faculty mentor who advises them holistically, about their academics, their careers, their personal lives. I sometimes believe it to be a more effective model. 

“What are you saying?” Asked Jim, deliberately looking away from Spock’s hypnotic gaze. 

“I happen to know your advisor, Captain Pike, very well. I am Scheduled to embark as his first officer on the Enterprise a year and a half from now. He is an outstanding advisor, mentor, and friend. You should confide in him. 

“Look Professor, I have other classes. Can I go now?”

“Very well, Cadet.”

Jim nibbled on the end of the same n-puck to make sure that he could hack it in his combat course. 

In the combat they were sparring, which Jim hadn’t known. He wished he’d eaten more. 

Stupid. 

Glutton. 

Stupid. 

He was set to spar with Gary. Great. He and Gary hadn’t been broken up for that long, and mitchell was still sore at him. Jim wouldn’t put it past him to stick in a few cheap shots, to hit harder than they were supposed to in sparring. 

Jim did okay at first. He even got in a couple hits. He was one hit away from winning, and then he’d be done for the day. But he crashed in the middle of the fight. His vision was going dark like burning film and Gary , as expected, stuck a vicious jab into Jim’s ribs that laid him out. His heag whacking the floor hard as he went down. 

Jim Got back up, but another jab to the face that split his lip sent him stumbling backwards. Mitchel tripped him in perfect form, and Jim hit the ground hard again. Mitchel locked his shoulder into a position so excruciating that he finally passed out.


	3. When Jim Ignores a Few Important Messages

When he came to, he was laying face down on the mat, and Gaila was tapping on his cheek, and offering water. He could hear Professor Grund shouting at Gary, but couldn’t quite hear what was being said. 

He let himself be lifted up into a sitting position, he thought it was Sulu lifting him. He guzzled down the water Gaila offered. 

“Cadet Kirk. Office.” Kirk walked into Grund’s small office inside the combat training center, and sat in the only seat on the student side of the desk. “So, what the fuck? You can take Mitchell in your sleep.” 

“I was just up late studying, and I crashed halfway through the fight.

“Seems like Mitchell might not exactly have been using sparring force.” Jim swallowed the blood in his mouth, and hoped that Grund didn't see it. 

“Nah. He was fine. I’m just worn out.”

“Well your head whacked the ground pretty good, so pick a friend to walk you to medical, and get some goddamn sleep. Don’t come back without a clearance sheet.”

Jim picked Sulu,knowing he could shake him before they got to medical, and headed to the dorms. He fixed the inside of his lip with a dermal regenerator, but he did it poorly, so that it was now a lumpy scar inside his mouth. 

He made himself a grilled cheese, and then ate some cereal, and then had some pasta, and some potato chips before diving under his covers and falling asleep. 

Bones came home to the kitchen in a mess, but he was glad that jim was, at least, eating normal food instead of those n-pucks like lately. He noticed Jim asleep and turned off the light, but only after seeking Jim’s workout shirt was spattered with blood. He checked his comm. 

Gai: Hey how is Jim

Len: What

Gai: Oh, he must not have had a chance to say. He had to get a concussion test after combat today. So I’m assuming you don’t know how it went lol

Len: did he actually go get the test?

McCoy looked over to see if Jim was still fucking breathing. He was. 

Gai: For sure. Sulu took him to the Med Center and everything. 

Len: Oh good. I was in class all day so I didn’t see them. He’s dead asleep now tho so he must have been cleared. 

Gai: Good. I swear I’ll just kill Mitchell. 

Len: Wait what happened?’

Gai: He wasn’t using Sparring force, I think he split Jim's lip, judging by the amount of blood in my water bottle. 

Len: Asshole. 

Gai: Fucking right. 

In Jim’s Dream, he was sitting on a throne next to the governor and they were watching a kid be cooked. Jim couldn’t move his body. Sometimes it would move without him. Laughing at the governors jokes, and eating and eating and eating. The kid was finally cooked, they’d done it on a spit right in front of them. They put a chunk of meat on his plate and his hand reached out to grab it. He was screaming to himself not to but he wasn’t the one in control. Kodos rubbed his thigh proudly while he bit into the kids flesh,,,

He was drenched in sweat, and had thumped his aching head on the wall when he jolted out of sleep. He felt more energetic now that he had something in him, but the food was writing around in his stomach feeling toxic and gross. He couldn’t purge though. Twice in a day was too much, even right now. So, he opened his comm to check his messages. 

Hikaru: They did clear you right? Bc that’s what i told Gaila

Gaila: still alive? Did they clear you?

Commander Thomas Grund: Cadet Kirk, A reminder that to return to class you must have your concussion clearance forwarded to me. Best, Prof Grund

Commander Christopher Pike: Notification- All of my advisees will undergo mandatory full physicals by the end of the week as a result of the uptick in positive drug tests in Operations track cadets. Find your appointment time in a message from MedComm

Student MeddComm Service: The following is the Information for your upcoming appointment.   
Cadet James T Kirk  
Second Year  
Mandatory Physical  
Cmndr Pike  
Dr. Philip Boyce  
Tuesday, 11:15 am  
Notes: It is known that your class ends at 11:15 and that you may be Late. Please be as prompt as possible. 

Commander S’Chn T’Gai Spock: Class, A mere reminder that next class we will be participating in an interactive simulation to consider Starfleet’s moral and amoral engagement with the Tarsus IV massacre. Please, message me privately if you wish not to participate. You will not need to provide a reason, but will instead need to write an analysis of Starfleet’s engagement with the issue of your choice. 

Jim sent a group comm to Gai, Sulu, and Bones telling them that he’d been cleared and Sulu had been a great help at the Med Center.

He ignored the other messages without reading them, and sat up to a cacophony of pain from his ribs where mitchel had hit him, the shoulder he’d locked, and his pounding head.


	4. When Jim Goes to Class Part 2

In the dark, Jim picked up his backpack, and suck out of their dorm room so he didn't wake bones. He went to the Culber Medical library, because the place was more conversational than most libraries in it’s lower levels, but it had these silent alcoves on the fourth floor with archaic plush chairs, and walls of bookcases. He found a seat in the alcoves, a nook only about a yard squared, surrounded on three sides by bookcases. Technically, this alcove was on the fifth floor. The only way into it was a tiny staircase. 

He started with his ethics course, and plowed into the literature he’d only skimmed before. He was constructing his command philosophy when he heard someone coming up the stairs. 

“Professor?” Jim said, seen Spock ascend into his nest. 

“Cadet? I was unaware that others knew of this location”

“Yeah, there’s at least of few of us, or there were last year. Joan, who showed me this place, graduated.”

“I see. I’m gratified to see you looking into the class literature. What did you think of Curzan’s Socratic Approach to Warp Theory Ethics?”

“Honestly? I wasn’t that impressed by it, I guess. I’m biased though I think Socrates is overrated.”

“That sounds less like bias than being well informed.” Kirk laughed. 

“I did find something really interesting, though I assume you’ve read it.”

“Oh?”

“M’Balia’s “Malcolm X, Surak, and Afrofuturism in the Ethics of Federation Ship Communications''

“I regret to say that I have not read it” Spock said, sounding surprised.

“Here, take this copy if you like,” Said Jim, handing him the book. “I’ve downloaded it onto my comm already. 

“Thank you, Cadet. I shall see you in class.” Said Spock

“Sure” Said Jim, hating to see Spock go. 

At about 8:15am his Comm buzzed with Pike’s personal number. 

Pike: How are you doing, Kirk?

Jim: Doin fine, you?

Pike: I’m fine, Kirk.

Pike: Let me know if you need anything today. 

Jim: Im fine, Commander. 

Pike: Grund told me you got beat yesterday.

Jim: Jeez, way to rub it in, Sir. 

Pike:Let me know.

Jim headed to Spock’s class straight from the library a few hours later. 

“As you will all be aware today we will not have a lecture” What? Thought Kirk, regretting neglecting to read his messages. “Can anyone tell me Why we are taking today to do this simulation?” 

Uhura raised her hand 

“Yes, cadet?”

“Because today is the 12th anniversary of the Tarsus IV Massacre.” Jim’s stomach dropped. He opened his comm with shaking hands, and checked his unread message from the professor. 

“No it’s not. That’s like, six months from now.” Shouted a boy in the back

“Actually, Cadet Uhura is correct. The date that you are thinking of is the date that StarFleet arrived to evacuate survivors. The massacre happened 12 years ago today.”

Jim had forgotten the day. His body was cold, and his brain was all white noise.

“Cadets, Please assemble away from the seats.” Professor Spock poured a jar out of hundreds of origami stars onto his desk. Each of you needs to take one star every five minutes. Otherwise, you are out of the simulation and will watch the rest from your seat. The goal is to make sure that as many people as possible survive until the end of class. 

“What’s the catch?” asks a naive cadet near the desk, already having taken a star. 

“Even If each of you only takes one star every five minutes, You will run out 30 minutes before the end of the class period. Further, some of you will need one star every three minutes instead of five. The names of those cadets are on the board. You can willingly exit the simulation and watch, you can also force other cadets to exit if at least twenty of the active participants agree, or if you prevent another cadet from getting the stars that they need.”

“What do we get if we make it to the end of class?”

“You will not be made aware until the simulation concludes.”

“What’s the most students that have ever passed?”

“127”

“What proportion of the class was that?”

“The simulation begins now.”

Jim looked up at the board to see his name about half way down. Uhura brought him a star. 

“I’m on the list too. Are you going to give up? I'm thinking about it. More students will survive that way. Plus, our class has 315 people in it. We don’t want only 127 left. That’s worse odds than the real thing.”

“I'm on the list too. Lied Jim. He and Kevin ran fast and far into the woods and Jim still had his cousins blood on his hands from trying to stop the boy’s bleeding in the square. 

“What?” Said Jim looking at his hands.

“Jim?” asked Uhura, looking into his eyes. He was in a cold sweat. He thought he might pass out. 

“Huh?”

“You’re crushing your star.”

“You crushed the bread, JT” Whined Lacy. but JT had walked eight miles, fought Kodo’s men, and walked back without eating. So he collapsed before he could respond. 

Jim grabbed a seat near him to steady himself. 

“Jim, tell me what’s happening.” Said Uhura, placing a hand on his shoulder. 

“I. I think I need to leave.”

“I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home” “shut up Tac we all want to go home” “Be nice Kaite” “Tell JT to make Tac shut up. He's being a baby” “I hear something…..”...”everyone quiet or we might get caught”

“I’m going to go get Professor Spock”

“Get him!” Jt was running but his vision was going black like burning film. He tripped and hit his face on the ground. He heard his nose break. Kodos’s men’s hands were on him. They were taking him away. There was no one to tell the others he was dead. They’d figure it out. 

In the pandemonium of the exercise, no one noticed the professor cutting through the crowd, let alone Kirk nearing a vegetative state. Spock reached out and put a hand on Kirk’s shoulder. Jim yanked away with far more than the necessary force, seemingly in alarm. 

“Cadet Kirk?” Said Spock. Kirk’s eyer we out of focus. He looked disoriented 

“James Kirk? Geroge’s son? On Tarsus?” Said the doctor, not knowing that JT was awake again. “No wonder he lived. With his birth and his mother kid had to turn out ruthless.” “you think he ate anyone?”

“Cadet Kirk, you are excused from today’s class. I will message your other professors and tell them not to expect you.” 

Jim didn’t acknowledge the information. 

“Cadet Uhura, please take Cadet Kirk to the Med Center. You are also excused from today’s class.” 

Uhura nodded, but Kirk muttered no several times, and disappeared into the crows of students, who were now forming chains to surround other students to keep them from getting stars. 

After a brief search it was clear that Kirk was long gone.


	5. When Jim Hides

“What do we do?” Uhura asked Professor Spock. 

“Leave it to me. Continue the sim if you like. 

Spock: Cadet Kirk left the Tarsus simulation abruptly, looking agitated. It is my opinion that he should report to MedCenter. How should I proceed? 

Pike: Stay with your class. Leave it to me. 

Pike found him after three hours’ search. 

Droplets of rain were slipping under Jim’s collar and sliding down his back. The air was cold, and it stung his face. Every water-touched part of his skin felt the cold all over again.

He was sitting on a steep muddy hill on the edge of the academy looking out into the forest that the fleet had planted to displace the carbon emissions it took to build the academy. Emissions, that was a thought. How archaic.

Thoughts of Tarsus were still flitting in and out of his mind. One moment he was staring at the grass there, on campus, and the next he was twelve years old again hiding in tall weeds on Tarsus. Professor Spock’s class had unearthed something waiting in Jim. Now, everything was Tarsus again. 

The blood from biting his lip in class today was also Casey’s blood when she cut her foot on a rock. The rain and the wind on the hill was also the rain and wind that flushed into Jim’s face when he sprinted up to a starfleet taxi landing on the surface. For a moment in class, Uhura’s voice had sounded exactly like Tanna’s. 

He heard someone sit next to him. Pike- it had to be. Sure enough, 

“Hey, Jim. I’m going to sit with you, if you don’t mind too terribly. And also if you do.” Jim just nodded. 

He wondered whether Pike had called his husband, Jim’s doctor, Dr. Boyce. As far as Jim knew, Dr. Boyce didn’t know about him being on Tarsus. At least not before an hour ago. 

“You left class.” Said Pike, prompting.

“Yeah.” Jim answered, giving as much as he could. 

Then, out of nowhere, he had to ask. One of the memories he’d had while he was losing it in class was itching on his brain. The time that he heard the doctor’s bet that he’d resorted to cannibalism during the famine. 

“Does the admiralty think that I ate people? On Tarsus? Do they think that’s how I survived?”

“Some have seen your testimony.” Answered Pike, sounding hesitant and tired. But Jim needed to know. He had to. 

“Not all. You and Archer and Montgomery. What do the rest think?”

“It doesn’t exactly come up in board meetings, Jim.”

“But is does come up.” Jim pushed, still looking decidedly away, out into the forest. 

“Yeah, it has come up.” Pike paused for a long time, like he was accumulating the constitution to continue. “Once, years ago, when you first got a criminal record on earth and our database pinged.”

“So?” Jim asked. Pike paused again. 

“They were split on it.” There was a while of just silence and wind. “You left class.” Pike repeated.

“Yeah.” Jim answered again. 

“Why’d you go to class at all?”

“Didn't Check my Comm. Didn’t know it was today.”

“Spock said he sent you to MedCenter.”

“Yeah.” Jim didn’t really know what to do about that comment. He didn’t know where to go from here. He couldn’t stand to see people worry. He felt like he was burdening them with something. “So am I going to get booted from Professor Spock’s class for being disruptive and aggressive?” 

“What?” Pike said. “No. I called Spock while I was wandering around looking for you, and from what he said, you weren’t either of those things.”

“Really?” Asked Jim, and Pike could hear the strain in his voice. 

“Yes.” Pike answered firmly. “And this is Starfleet, Son. We don’t exactly boot people for having PTSD. Hell they’ve kept me this long.” 

“What do you remember? When you have it.” Jim asked. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want.” He added. 

“ I see the face of one of my best friends from the academy. Usually it would start when someone would use body language like his or make a face like he did. Then I would see his face on everyone who even looked vaguely like him. Then I would remember him dying, over and over again. In my arms. Because of a mistake I made on our first landing party. Then I would stop being able to tell what was real and what wasn’t. Then, one day, Phil took me to MedCenter.”

“You were at the academy when it happened?”  
“I was docked. The farragut was being repaired.”

“What did they say at the MedCenter?”

“They had me meet with the on-call psych expert. She talked me through the night, and then I kept meeting with her until the ship was back in space, and even afterwards via vidcomm until I went on my first exploratory.

“Jim, when Spock messaged me he told me that he thought you needed to go to MedCenter. He was right. I’m going to have to take you there and help you get admitted for the night. Hell you missed your mandatory physical a few hours back, they’re expecting you.”

“I just-” Jim looked up at the sky, which pelted him with frigid water, trying to hold back tears. 

“Why did you come all the way out here, Son? Why don’t you want to get help?”

“I can’t see Bones. I just can’t. I can’t look in his eyes. I can’t do that to him.”

“If I make sure Dr. McCoy is off shift by the time we arrive, will you come with me?”

Pike sat patiently, watching Jim out of the corner of his eye. The boy buried his face in his knees.

“Yeah, okay.”


	6. When Jim Goes to the Doctor

Pike walked Jim into the MedCenter with a steadying hand on the cadet’s shoulder. They approached the counter and Pike said to the nurse, 

“Send out Dr. Boyce for a code green. Cadet Kirk.”

“Of course, Captain.” Said the nurse. 

Pike walked Jim to the waiting area, and Jim didn’t know how long they waited because his sense of time was still absolutely wrecked, but it didn’t seem long before a tall, dark haired, bearded doctor called his name. 

“I’ll still be here when you’re done with your appointment, so message me if you don’t walk through here, okay?” Said Pike. 

“Yeah, uh sure.” Said Jim, taken off-guard by pikes willingness to stay. He wondered how many sleepless nights Pike must have, doing this for all of his cadets. 

Dr. Boyce sat next to Jim in some comfortable chairs in a cluttered office. They were across a desk from an even bigger chair and a well-filled bookshelf. 

“It’s nice to meet you, Cadet Kirk. May I call you James?” Dr. Boyce aksed. 

“Jim.” Answered Jim. 

“I’m Dr. Philip Boyce. You can call me Phil, Doc, Boyce, nothing, whatever makes you comfortable.” He paused, but Jim didn’t notice that he was waiting for an answer right away. 

“Oh, sorry. Uh, that sounds good to me.”

“Great.” Said Dr. Boyce, “So, when I was called in they called it a code green. Do you know what that is?” 

“No.”

“It means that a cadet or officer is exhibiting symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder that require immediate address. Do you know what PTSD is?’

“I’ve heard Pike say it before. I know some about it. I read something in connection to the Orion slave revolts about PTSD, I think.”

“Well it sounds like you have a rudimentary understanding of it. One thing to understand is that PTSD is not exclusively a psychological issue. It has physiological impacts too. I want us to start tonight by giving you a full physical, and then a cursory therapy session. Does that sound like a plan you can follow?”

“Sure.” Said Jim, nauseous at the thought of a physical, but not sure that he could move forward another way. 

“Good. You’ll let me know if you are uncomfortable, or if you are not sure whether something you’re seeing is real, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Then, let’s get started.”

When they had finished, Jim was able to identify and distance himself from the flashbacks he was having. It wasn’t a long term solution, but it would work for tonight. Phil had given Jim a bed for the night, seeing how wary he was of returning to the dorms. To Bones.   
Jim opened his comm and messaged Pike that Boyce was having him stay the night. Then he checked his other messages. 

Uhura: Jim I’m really worried. Please, let me or someone know that you’re okay when you have a chance. 

Uhura: I told Gaila what happened. I’m really sorry I know you’ll hate that, but I can’t get a hold of you and I needed someone besides me to know. 

Gai: Uhura told me what happened. Feel free to come to me. I know what you’re going through, and am wishing you well. 

Gai: and comm that bish back, she’s gonna lose her mind Jim. 

Hikaru: Hey man. Scott, and Kit and I are going out for drinks hmu for our current location later tonight if you want to join. 

Bones: Look. I’ll be frank here. I’m worried for your safety, and I need you to comm me back as soon as you get this so that I know you aren’t dead. We need to talk. 

Commander S’chn T’Gai Spock: Cadet Kirk, Captain Pike has informed that you have been located. I am gratified to hear so. We can be in contact in the coming weeks to ensure that you are able to keep up in my class if you chose to continue taking it. My wishes that you are or will soon be well. LLAP, Prof Spock.

To Uhura: I am okay. Could you and Gai tell Sulu what happened for me? Spare him the details if you would. I may be in and out of contact for a few days while I get patched up. 

To Gai: I am okay. At MedCenter. We’ll hang soon. I texted Uhura, hope I sent it before she short circuited, lol. 

To Gai: Also, I know this is a lot to ask, but can you talk to Bones? Tell him I’m fine, but don’t say I’m at MedCenter. I can’t face him yet. I just need a couple days. 

Uhura: Of course, we’ll fill in Sulu. Thank you for touching back. Many hilarious joke pics to come [Uhura sent 57 images]

Gai: Yeah I can do that of course, but be prepared for him to be mad and maybe a little bit hurt. I’ll make sure Scotty takes care of him this week. Focus on getting your head on straight. Let us know if you need anything. 

Gai: ANYTHING, Jim. 

Gai: I’ve gotta say it one more time to soothe my soul okay? 

Gai: AN.Y.THING.

“Got a couple hundred messages?” Asked Pike, from the doorway. 

“Feels like thousands.” Said Jim. “Thank you for staying. You don’t need to, though. I’ll be fine from here on out, I can carry it.”

“That’s the thing about the fleet, Jim. We make a lot of officers so that no one ever needs to carry anything alone. Even if you can, you don’t need to. I’m going to stay until you fall asleep or kick me out, and I’ll be back tomorrow morning to check in.”

“What do you think they’ve got planned for me tomorrow?”

“A good amount of therapy. They need to get you functional so we can get you back into a couple classes. That is, assuming you want to stay at the academy.”

“Of course I want to say.”

“Good. I was afraid we were about to lose you.You ever played 3-D Chess?”

“Oh I destroy at 3D Chess.”

Pike laughed, talked big, and then lost four games in a row. 

“Man alive, you need to play with Spock sometime. You may actually be able to give him a game.”

“Oh sure, give a Vulcan a good fight in chess? Doubtful.” Jim said. “I’m going to pass out soon, so you can head out if you like.”

“Sure, Jim. I’ll see you tomorrow.”


	7. When Jim Sleep Walks

Jim was nervous to sleep. Phil had connected him to some nodes that took his vitals, and something that stuck onto his temple to see if he was sleeping soundly, he hoped he didn’t sleepwalk tonight.. He lied awake for a long time, staring at the ceiling.

Then, out of nowhere, he was trying to talk some sense into Tom. 

“You can’t go back to your house. You’ll die, Tom.”  
I’ll be careful  
“We’ve had this conversation a million times.”  
I KNOW I can be careful! YOU got to see them last Jim! That’s not fair! YOU?   
“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I’m sorry he died saving me.”  
I wish you died instead of him  
“I wish I’d died too.”

Jim was sitting in a hall in the innards of the operating floor when Dr. Boyce finally found him. It was a lucky thing that he’d just started a 48 hour shift when Jim was admitted. Boyce and a nurse, Valencia, approached him quietly. 

“I’m so sorry,” Jim was repeating over, and over again. Boyce connected his tricorder to the sensor on Jim’s chest, and realized that too much cortisol was flooding his system for them to let him stay asleep. 

He reached out and laid a hand on Jim’s shoulder. Jim looked up at him, still shaking, still asleep, 

“I wish I’d died too.” 

“Jim?” Boyce gave his shoulder a gentle shake, but without a response. “Jim,” he called again, tapping lightly on the cadet’s cheek. 

Jim blinked several times, and looked around, confused. 

“Where am I?” He asked, in a more normal, though half asleep, tone. 

“You hacked your way onto the OR floor in your sleep.” Said Dr. Boyce with a half grin. 

“Oh. Fuck. Sorry.”

“Not a problem, Jim. Let’s get you back into a bed, okay?” 

Jim nodded, absently. His stress levels had dropped off, but he still wasn’t awake. This likely meant that he wouldn’t remember the incident in the morning (only a few hours away now) which Dr. Boyce thought was probably a good thing. 

When Jim woke up he thought he should probably check his Comm; the message from Spock was burning a hole in his brain. But he didn’t want to see if Bones messaged him. He couldn’t know if Bones was mad at him, not now anyways. 

“So why don’t you want to see Bones?” Asked Dr. Boyce as soon as they sat down in the morning.   
“What?”

“You didn’t want to see Bones when you were first admitted, so Captain Pike dismissed him from his shift. He switched to an outpost shift today so that he wouldn’t be here, and you aren’t checking your messages.”

“Oh.”

“So, why don’t you want to see Bones? He’s your roommate right?”

“Yeah, he is.”

“Just roommate?”

“We’re not together if that’s what you mean.”

“Not necessarily.”

“Well we’re friends.”

“Close?”

“For sure.” 

“How close?”

“Close enough that you’re far from the first person to think we’re together.”

“I’m sorry, Jim. I wasn’t trying to insinuate anything.”

“What does Bones have to do with it anyways?”

“When you leave here you have to go somewhere. Right now that is the dorms. I want to know that you are in an emotionally secure environment when you leave.” He looked at Jim for a long time, expecting an answer. “Will you be?”

“I just really hope that he isn’t mad.”

“Why would he be mad?”

“I wasn’t taking care of myself.”

“So? Why should he be mad?”

“I dunno. He just might be mad.”

“When has he been mad at you in the past?”

“Just when I do really stupid stuff.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t think you want to hear that.”

“I want to help get you better, and I think hearing it may help.”

“I brought a guy home, and I didn’t know who he was. He wasn’t even Academy. We were both thrashed and he didn’t have protection, and I was out.”

“And you had sex?”

“Yes”

“What does Bones have to do with it?”

“He was mad at me.”

“For what?”

“Not being safe.”

“But how did he know that you hadn’t?”

“I told him.”

“Why?” 

“I thought I should get tested or something.”

“So you went to Bones?”

“Yeah he’s a doctor.”

“Did you know he would be mad?”

“Of course I did, we’re roommates.”

“But you still confided in him.”

“Yeah he’s a doctor.”

“What was his reaction?”

“Phil. He was mad.”

“I know, I know, but how exactly? What did he say? What did he do that told you he was mad?”

“He said ‘dammit Jim’ and then he lectured me, and y’know his face and his body language looked mad.”

“I don’t think Dr. McCoy was mad.”

“Then you don’t know Bones.” Phil laughed at that. 

“Sometimes, when people look mad, they’re not mad; they’re scared.”

“Please. Of what?”

“Wild guess? You getting hurt. Losing you.”

“And?” Jim’s body language got more protective, more closed. 

“Why does that bother you?”

“What?”

“Him caring about you. Does it bother you?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

Jim didn’t exactly like the therapy, but once they finished the dead end Bones conversation Boyce talked him through some leveling strategies, and they started work on identifying triggers. Dr. Boyce said it was probably too hard to tell since the date itself was the most prominent trigger in this case. There were likely others that they would need to identify in coming weeks, as they went along. 

“I’m going to ask you a question that doesn’t seem relevant, but I promise, it is.”

“Okay”

“When you were on Tarsus, did you ever wish that you were one of the people killed.”

There was a long pause. 

“No.”... “Yes.”... “Not exactly.”

“What do you mean?”

“I didn’t wish I was killed in the quad.”

“But?”

Another pause.

“I wished that I had died instead of the people who saved my life.”

“And who were they?”

Jim’s eyes started going dark, and Boyce could see him slipping. 

“Save that story for another day, Jim.”

“Okay” Said Jim, coming out of it some. 

“Do you still wish you’d died?”

Another pause. 

“Yeah.”.. “No.”... “Only sometimes.”

“Have you ever wanted to act on that desire?”

“Maybe when I was a kid.”

“Not anymore?”

“Not anymore.”


	8. Where Jim plays chess

Dr. Boyce released Jim later that day. He knew he should go straight back to the dorms and wait for Bones, but his roommate might not be done with work for hours, and in truth, Jim just really didn’t want to. Instead, he changed quickly into the clothes he’d been wearing on intake (which had been washed and dried by…. Someone at the med center?), and went back to the library. Back to the silent alcoves on the fifth floor with the ancient plush chairs and the familiar scent. 

Jim needed distraction, and though he wasn’t cleared to return to class yet, he started working on his Ethics final. Earlier in the semester, Jim had spent an entire night in the other libraries on campus, sneaking out books he thought might be helpful later in the semester, and transplanting them into this alcove. He searched for one of them while a continuation of the previous night’s storm pounded on the windows. Inter-Species Differences in the Morality of Death in War: Separating Ethicality from Xenophobia proved an elusive title to locate. 

He thought he’d found it and pulled from the middle of a stack piled high, which of course promptly came crashing down on top of his crouching form. From behind him, he heard a puff of breath which might have been a laugh if he hadn’t turned to see the stern Professor Spock. 

“Cadet. Apologies for interrupting.” Said the Professor, not awkwardly. Almost as though one would speak to a friend who they had interrupted from a game of chess. Chess.. 

“Professor, wait-” Spock turned back to Jim, “I just- I’m sorry I didn’t read your message about class. And that I.. that I…” Spock climbed the last few stairs and faced him.

“Cadet Kirk, it is not the first time, nor will it be the last, that a fellow fleet member has been in crisis in my presence. Please know that I, too, have humanness in my mind, and I too, have seen a great deal.” Spock said.   
Jim took pause at that. He’d not been expecting such honesty from a professor. It was almost unsettling. 

“Captain Pike told me you play 3D chess.” He said, clamoring lamely for a new topic. 

“That is true.” Admitted Spock. A mischievous grin appeared on Jim’s face

“He also mentioned that I could beat you.” He said. There was a spark of interest in the professor’s eyes, 

“Luckily there is an excellent chess set on the third floor of this building. That is, if you accept my challenge.” Jim laughed. He didn’t do that very often lately, but suddenly, talking to Professor Spock this way, his heart felt lighter. 

“I’ll never back down from a challenge!” Said Jim, squeezing past Spock (careful not to touch him), and leading the way down the narrow stairwell. 

They arrived on the third floor. As they began to play some students took notice. Medical students are big dorks, so when two skilled players sat for chess it wasn’t out of the ordinary for a few people to gather and watch out of one eye while studying out of the other. The crowd grew from three to ten as the game reached its climax. 

“You know, Cadet Kirk, if you had sacrificed your rook three moves ago, you wouldn’t be having this problem. And if you had given up your last knight, you may have won.” Spock said, in a way that Jim could only hear as friendly jeering. 

“What can I say, Professor? When I win, I like to win big.” Knowing what was about to happen, he moved his queen, leaned back, and put his hands behind his head. 

“And unfortunately for you, that is why you will lose. Checkmate.” Spock said. Jim’s King lay on the board, defeated, but Jim himself felt anything but. 

“Congratulations, it was a good game. But this is only the beginning, Professor.” Jim said with a grin. “That is, if you accept my challenge.” Spock’s eyes narrowed, and Jim could have sworn he saw the Professor’s cheeks take on a dusting of green. 

“I never back down from a challenge.” He said. Jim decided to hear mirth in his voice. “Tomorrow, we will play here again.”

Professor Spock stood, made a ta’al, and left the library. Jim was left to look on the students who had gathered to watch. Most had turned back to their books or left the area, but Gaila, who also used the alcoves from time to time, was perched on a mahogany desk, next to an irritable-looking insomniac poindexter (not that Jim had anything against poindexters. He himself was called one by those in the operations track, and to be fair, he had once owned a pocket protector). 

He walked over to her, and she embraced him, silently. After a long hug, Gaila held him away, as though to examine him.

“You look terrible. I’m really really glad you’re okay.” 

“Thanks, Gai.”. He said, feeling himself blush. They walked to the elevator to leave the library. “I’m really okay though. Dr. Boyce fixed me all up and I’m gonna be fine”. They stepped on. 

Gai didn’t look at him for a moment. 

“It might feel that way. And I really hope for you that it is. But for most people, recovering from something like this doesn't happen overnight. It didn’t for me. There were lots of ups and downs in getting better. It took a long time.” Jim wondered if he was being flippant about his good day. He remembered the painful truth that he had to go back to the dorms soon, and wondered whether that was where Gai was leading him. 

They walked through the rain that was now more of a mist in silence for a while, and clearly, he was right that she was walking him home. His nerves mounted. 

“It was fun to see you make Professor Spock sweat it out in chess. I heard one of the med students say they’ve never seen someone last that long against him.” Jim’s spirits lifted, thinking about the match tomorrow. 

“Yeah it was a fun game. It was cool to see him all relaxed. He’s nicer like that.” Jim chuckled and smirked, “I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m funny whether he’s willing to admit it or not. I wonder if that'll stay true when I beat him.” Gai snorted, and in a sing-song teasing voice said, 

“Someone’s hot for teacher!” Jim's face went pink, and as they entered his dorm building the only thing on his mind was whether the professor could sense the crush, too. He hoped not. 

They stopped at his and Bones’s door. Jim sighed, braced himself, and walked inside. 

For a moment, the room was dark. Then, it exploded into light and people jumped out from behind the counter, the couch, from underneath his covers. In the moments after it happened, Jim registered only a few things. Gaila behind him, weaponless. One of the intruders, approaching him, holding something bulky, and the light hanging just above his head. In a flash he yanked the light from the ceiling, plunging the room back into darkness. Then, by memory, he roundhouse kicked in the head-area of the intruder who was holding something. He heard a thump of the body hitting the floor and then a gross sort-of splatter as the intruder dropped something. The room had gone silent. It was like the other intruders were too stunned to move.   
Behind him, Gai flipped the lights back on, and Jim saw Sulu, unconscious on the floor, bleeding into a cake.

A few things finally registered: 

When the lights had first turned on as Jim had entered, The intruders had all yelled “Surprise!” 

Cakes sound gross if you drop them while getting roundhouse kicked in the face. 

It was March 22, 6 weeks to the end of the semester, Jim’s birthday. 

In the back of the room, Uhura meekly raised her hand. 

“I’m sorry.” She said, miserably. “This was my bad idea.”


End file.
